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Banish Commercials 5ever!
This is a ritual which can be performed in order to make it so your favorite TV shows are never again interrupted by annoying ads! This is a very dangerous ritual and can result in terrible consequences if done incorrectly. Try at your own risk! What you need: # A recording of an episode of your favorite show. DVDs and VHS tapes work, as do VCDs, flash drives, SD cards, film canisters, LaserDiscs, iPods, and most other video storage media. However for best results obtain the episode on a BetaMax cassette. # Two candles. # Matches, or a lighter. # A mirror. # A cup of butterscotch pudding (not required, but strongly recommended!)' # A shovel, spade, trowel, or other digging tool. # 3 drops of blood (at least) from a bi-curious alligator. It cannot be stressed enough that the alligator much be bi-curious. It can be male, or female, and a virgin or not, but if it has had carnal knowledge of another alligator, that beast must not be of the same sex! The alligator whose blood you obtain must have toyed with the idea of making love to another alligator of the same sex, but never actually done so (this would make it Homo, or Bi-sexual, not ''bi-curious.) Also, crocodiles will not work. The Ritual # Gather all the required supplies listed above, and travel to a relatively secluded place. Areas in nature work the best, but abandoned buildings, or hideaways will work as well. # Using the spade, dig a hole large enough to fit your copy of the TV show you wish to banish commercials from, and at least 4 feet deep. # Drizzle the bi-curious alligator blood over the video media (the more blood, and more bi-curious the gator, the better) # Place the video media in the hole, and bury it. # Place both candles on the mound of dirt beneath which the video media is buried. Light both candles. (Note, tapers, tealights, and votives ''will not ''work with this ritual.. They must be large scented candles. Yankee Candles work well) # Keep one candle on the area where you buried the video. After several seconds of burning, pick up and blow only one of the candles. While it is still smoking, insert it, wick first, into your butt. (this is where the mirror will become useful) It should remain there for the duration of the ritual. # With one of the candles in your anus (i.e. booty-hole) kneel in front of the other candle which should remain burning. It this candle flickers or goes out, you must re-light it within 8 seconds (starring Luke Perry) or the ritual will fail! # At this point you should begin singing the theme song to the show you are performing the ritual for. If the theme tune has no words, make up your own and sing them to the tune. If your TV show has no theme song, sing an ode to the main character(s) of that show for the duration of the ritual. # Keep one candle lit, and the other in your butt, and sing your song until the first candle can no longer burn. This will most likely take several hours, and the bigger the candle, the better the ritual works. # Continue to sing as the candle burns. You may take brief breaks from singing to eat the butterscotch pudding (you'll probably get hungry waiting for the candle to burn down) but you must at least remain humming the tune while you eat. ''Note: Other foods may work with the ritual, but butterscotch pudding is the only tried and true form of sustenance # When the candle has burned to the point where it can no longer be re-lit, the ritual is over. Contratulations! You will most likely be tired and sore from this endeavor, so get some well deserved rest. Following this procedure, you must take care to never say the words; "flapper," "gumption," "austere," "relinquish," or any combination of the words "Silverchair is my favorite band." Doing this woud negate the effects of the ritual. You must never say these words for 15 years After this period of 15 years, the ritual will have begun to take effect, and you can say any words you wish once more, (Though I wouldn't advise professing your admiration for Silverchair) From this point on (15 years after the ritual was completed, to the day) any time you watch the favorite TV show you used for the ritual, the commercial breaks will magically vasnish! As the show is going to commercial, your TV screen will fade to black for 10 minutes before fading back in to your show. No more annoying commercials! Congratulations on a job well done! Most people don't make it to this point. If after 15 years, you notice that commercials have not disappeared from your favorite show, you have botched the ritual, negating its effects. but don't get discouraged, try again!